Laying in bed this morning, contemplating whether or not I was going to get up. I started thinking about being "Broken". I cant think of anything more beautiful right now than how beautiful it is to be broken by God.
When I started my christian walk, I had no idea whatsoever what it meant to broken. Not at all. Along the way, I read lots of books & blogs , did lots of bible studies, heard some testimonies. I started to grasp the concept a little, I got the basic idea of it. I think I was scared of it at first. I didnt want to be broken. I thought, I dont really have time. You see, I have four kids and I cant really afford to miss an unscheduled day of work. It seems if I got broken I would be out a few days. Acually I cant even afford to be broken at home, I cant imagine my house doing well with be be broken more than an hour or so. Thinking maybe I could just be broken in a tougher way so I dont have to really miss a beat? I dont know. Broken just didnt sound like something I needed or really had time for much.
Then I got broken....over and over and over and over!
....and WOW!
Im not quite sure exactly what God breaks in us. I imagine that there are about a million glass layers around my heart. Each one a different color and each one representing a different thing. Each one being broken one by one. And not in any specific order either. He might break 10 layers of glass under that top super strong thick layer.....and when that one goes thats a BIG BREAK!
Before never wanting to be broken,,,,now praying i will never ever come close to running out of layers to be broken. Because when God breaks something in us,,,,he doesnt just leave it broken and empty. He replaces it with something righteous and good. I imagine him turning those ugly glass layers around my heart into .... into... i have no idea really ....just something really beautiful and soft.
One of my favorite things is to see another woman broken. You can see it in her humility, you can see her awe for God beaming through her eyes, and you can feel the joy in her heart. You can feel because you've been there. You know she is feeling Gods passionate zealous love for her. She looks sooo beautiful because you know how beautiful she feels.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
Wrestling with Holy Spirit is exhausting!
Wrestling with the Holy Spirit is exhausting. I know,,, i just finished a few rounds.
Whenever I cant fully grasp something about God's powerful love for me...I try to look at my own love for my children and then multiply in by infinity. For example, when I struggle with forgiveness, I think about how easy I can forgive my children .
Well, I just went through a huge wrestling match with God....and came out completely exhausted mentally and physically..... and came out it gratefully wrapped in the safety of his arms.
Trying to wrap my mind around the ordeal... I compare it to a possible situation with my 2 year old Nicolas.
I imagine being at a lake. The lake looks like a big swimming pool and full of ducks and fish. Its also full of snakes and alligators and potential drowning. Nicloas, with his foolish fasinatination wants to go swimming, feed the ducks, and catch fish. Being his mom, and him being my son who I love sooo much,, i cant let him go. So,, I scoop him up, hold him tight, and he throws a temter tantrum and fights with all his might. But, you see I am much stronger than him , so I can hold him until he gets tired and gives up. When he gives up and say " okay mommy,,, I wont go in the water" I let him go. After a few minutes he heads to the water. This cycle would continue until one of two things happened:
1) he would just get tired and fall asleep
or...
2) he would eventually make it to that water and get hurt or scared badly enough that he would never do it again.
Either way he will come out of the situation exhausted!
Thats what I feel like.... Only God let me so close to the water that it scared me. I saw reflections of my past and a potential future that terrified my soul. But am so grateful to come out not eaten by an alligator or bit by a snake and so so grateful to be in HIS safe arms. There is no better place.
God's love is amazing.
Whenever I cant fully grasp something about God's powerful love for me...I try to look at my own love for my children and then multiply in by infinity. For example, when I struggle with forgiveness, I think about how easy I can forgive my children .
Well, I just went through a huge wrestling match with God....and came out completely exhausted mentally and physically..... and came out it gratefully wrapped in the safety of his arms.
Trying to wrap my mind around the ordeal... I compare it to a possible situation with my 2 year old Nicolas.
I imagine being at a lake. The lake looks like a big swimming pool and full of ducks and fish. Its also full of snakes and alligators and potential drowning. Nicloas, with his foolish fasinatination wants to go swimming, feed the ducks, and catch fish. Being his mom, and him being my son who I love sooo much,, i cant let him go. So,, I scoop him up, hold him tight, and he throws a temter tantrum and fights with all his might. But, you see I am much stronger than him , so I can hold him until he gets tired and gives up. When he gives up and say " okay mommy,,, I wont go in the water" I let him go. After a few minutes he heads to the water. This cycle would continue until one of two things happened:
1) he would just get tired and fall asleep
or...
2) he would eventually make it to that water and get hurt or scared badly enough that he would never do it again.
Either way he will come out of the situation exhausted!
Thats what I feel like.... Only God let me so close to the water that it scared me. I saw reflections of my past and a potential future that terrified my soul. But am so grateful to come out not eaten by an alligator or bit by a snake and so so grateful to be in HIS safe arms. There is no better place.
God's love is amazing.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
I choose you, God!
God said to me "I love you with a jealous zeal!". I said " then take it out, destroy this sin for me, because I can not". My God said "I'm just waiting for you, just CHOOSE ME".
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Starting With......
I'm starting my Spiritual & Physical comeback with a date with my one and only........Jesus!
I will be glad and rejoice in you, I will sing praise to your name, O most High. Psalm 9:2
I will be glad and rejoice in you, I will sing praise to your name, O most High. Psalm 9:2
One Year Later
Wow.....It's been about a year since my last post. Again coming into a New Year. This year my resolution is the same as last year.....because last year I did not accomplish any of my goal. I feel like I just wrote the darn thing yesterday.
In 2010...i slacked off on my healthy eating, my excercise, blogging, god time, me time and family time. I lost my mom this year, worked a lot, and didnt get the new car i was hoping for. I served atchurch a lot , but mostly from an empty cup.
On the upside, i survived this year somehow. ( i know the some how )
For 2011...I hope to do more than just survive another year! I planning on making a comeback,,,physically & spiritually!
LOL....let's see : )
In 2010...i slacked off on my healthy eating, my excercise, blogging, god time, me time and family time. I lost my mom this year, worked a lot, and didnt get the new car i was hoping for. I served atchurch a lot , but mostly from an empty cup.
On the upside, i survived this year somehow. ( i know the some how )
For 2011...I hope to do more than just survive another year! I planning on making a comeback,,,physically & spiritually!
LOL....let's see : )
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Strengthening My Foundation...Chapter 1
1Corrinthians 3:11 For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ.
For this first month of the year, I'm going to focus on what exactly is my foundation. I know first and foremost that that my foundation must be Jesus! I will be studying and memorizing scriptures this month about this.
What should I build on my foundation of Jesus?
Gold and Silver?...I don't think so!
I have a busy schedule that I can't bear most days. Lately, I just choose the things from my "todo" list that just can't be put off another minute and forget the rest. It seems most of my joy has been robbed trying to just get through each day. I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS!
I have been thinking about the things I can do with out and what is important in my life.
For example,
I must:
work 50 hrs a week (not happy about this)
go to church for worship weekly
I think I NEED to:
clean my house
pay bills
accomplish errands
spend time with God
excercise
weekly bible study group (which requires prep)
my weekly coffee service ministry
keep contact with my existing friends/family
create new relationships
spend quality time with my children
have presence at my childrens schools
I would like to:
have a little time for myself
How in the world can I do it all??? What in the world could I leave out of this list??? I can't choose anything to leave out! Currently I am not giving enough of my self in any of these areas....everything and everyone is suffering.
This month, I am searching for answers. I'm asking God for strength to survive this life. Not just survive....but survive and glorify him. I want to do want he wants.
One thing He always reminds me, is that I am to serve Him wherever I am. I know I have a path to follow...and it's available for me....but it may be small and tucked away.
I will be praying about what are the importants in my life. Then, month by month, starting with the first...I will pray and pray on how it can fit successfully in my life.
I am reading my pastor's book....shaping your straight line. He made a reference to running on a hamster wheel. That's exactly what i have been doing. Running around and around.....and high speed.....and sometimes the wheel breaks and then I just stop.....until i fix the wheel...then i run in circles again...at best, sometimes I just have a bigger wheel.
I think it's time to stop...
This year I will be building my house.
Building it on the strongest foundation I can! I want to slow down my run to a walk and go up instead of around and around and around and down.
For this first month of the year, I'm going to focus on what exactly is my foundation. I know first and foremost that that my foundation must be Jesus! I will be studying and memorizing scriptures this month about this.
What should I build on my foundation of Jesus?
Gold and Silver?...I don't think so!
I have a busy schedule that I can't bear most days. Lately, I just choose the things from my "todo" list that just can't be put off another minute and forget the rest. It seems most of my joy has been robbed trying to just get through each day. I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS!
I have been thinking about the things I can do with out and what is important in my life.
For example,
I must:
work 50 hrs a week (not happy about this)
go to church for worship weekly
I think I NEED to:
clean my house
pay bills
accomplish errands
spend time with God
excercise
weekly bible study group (which requires prep)
my weekly coffee service ministry
keep contact with my existing friends/family
create new relationships
spend quality time with my children
have presence at my childrens schools
I would like to:
have a little time for myself
How in the world can I do it all??? What in the world could I leave out of this list??? I can't choose anything to leave out! Currently I am not giving enough of my self in any of these areas....everything and everyone is suffering.
This month, I am searching for answers. I'm asking God for strength to survive this life. Not just survive....but survive and glorify him. I want to do want he wants.
One thing He always reminds me, is that I am to serve Him wherever I am. I know I have a path to follow...and it's available for me....but it may be small and tucked away.
I will be praying about what are the importants in my life. Then, month by month, starting with the first...I will pray and pray on how it can fit successfully in my life.
I am reading my pastor's book....shaping your straight line. He made a reference to running on a hamster wheel. That's exactly what i have been doing. Running around and around.....and high speed.....and sometimes the wheel breaks and then I just stop.....until i fix the wheel...then i run in circles again...at best, sometimes I just have a bigger wheel.
I think it's time to stop...
This year I will be building my house.
Building it on the strongest foundation I can! I want to slow down my run to a walk and go up instead of around and around and around and down.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Strengthening My Foundation...my New Year's resolution
It's almost 2010!
I always set these crazy New Year resolutions and never reach my goals. Well, this year is gonna be different! : )!
I have just one goal, "to strengthen my foundation".
Spiritually and Physically.....and Scripturally.
See, I am constantly adding more and more to my life and daily schedules. It really gets too much sometimes. Some things I plan on cutting back, but some things I cant ...It's just the way my life is and I have to press forward. But I know with out the proper "foundation" I cant succeed.
I need to have time with God, family time and prayer, health and excercise, friend and family time, building relationship time, nuturing existing friendships....etc. If I neglect all (or any) of this things, I will surely fail.
So, I'm going to focus each month on a different area in my life that I need to make stronger.
I don't have all the details planned out yet.
( Hey, maybe this can be a book when I'm finished......"Strengthen your foundation in one year"?? )
I will blog, twitter, facebook, pray, and study scriptures about what I am focusing on each month.
So, if this was a book.......this would be the introduction.
Coming soon...Chapter One
I always set these crazy New Year resolutions and never reach my goals. Well, this year is gonna be different! : )!
I have just one goal, "to strengthen my foundation".
Spiritually and Physically.....and Scripturally.
See, I am constantly adding more and more to my life and daily schedules. It really gets too much sometimes. Some things I plan on cutting back, but some things I cant ...It's just the way my life is and I have to press forward. But I know with out the proper "foundation" I cant succeed.
I need to have time with God, family time and prayer, health and excercise, friend and family time, building relationship time, nuturing existing friendships....etc. If I neglect all (or any) of this things, I will surely fail.
So, I'm going to focus each month on a different area in my life that I need to make stronger.
I don't have all the details planned out yet.
( Hey, maybe this can be a book when I'm finished......"Strengthen your foundation in one year"?? )
I will blog, twitter, facebook, pray, and study scriptures about what I am focusing on each month.
So, if this was a book.......this would be the introduction.
Coming soon...Chapter One
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