Laying in bed this morning, contemplating whether or not I was going to get up. I started thinking about being "Broken". I cant think of anything more beautiful right now than how beautiful it is to be broken by God.
When I started my christian walk, I had no idea whatsoever what it meant to broken. Not at all. Along the way, I read lots of books & blogs , did lots of bible studies, heard some testimonies. I started to grasp the concept a little, I got the basic idea of it. I think I was scared of it at first. I didnt want to be broken. I thought, I dont really have time. You see, I have four kids and I cant really afford to miss an unscheduled day of work. It seems if I got broken I would be out a few days. Acually I cant even afford to be broken at home, I cant imagine my house doing well with be be broken more than an hour or so. Thinking maybe I could just be broken in a tougher way so I dont have to really miss a beat? I dont know. Broken just didnt sound like something I needed or really had time for much.
Then I got broken....over and over and over and over!
....and WOW!
Im not quite sure exactly what God breaks in us. I imagine that there are about a million glass layers around my heart. Each one a different color and each one representing a different thing. Each one being broken one by one. And not in any specific order either. He might break 10 layers of glass under that top super strong thick layer.....and when that one goes thats a BIG BREAK!
Before never wanting to be broken,,,,now praying i will never ever come close to running out of layers to be broken. Because when God breaks something in us,,,,he doesnt just leave it broken and empty. He replaces it with something righteous and good. I imagine him turning those ugly glass layers around my heart into .... into... i have no idea really ....just something really beautiful and soft.
One of my favorite things is to see another woman broken. You can see it in her humility, you can see her awe for God beaming through her eyes, and you can feel the joy in her heart. You can feel because you've been there. You know she is feeling Gods passionate zealous love for her. She looks sooo beautiful because you know how beautiful she feels.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
Wrestling with Holy Spirit is exhausting!
Wrestling with the Holy Spirit is exhausting. I know,,, i just finished a few rounds.
Whenever I cant fully grasp something about God's powerful love for me...I try to look at my own love for my children and then multiply in by infinity. For example, when I struggle with forgiveness, I think about how easy I can forgive my children .
Well, I just went through a huge wrestling match with God....and came out completely exhausted mentally and physically..... and came out it gratefully wrapped in the safety of his arms.
Trying to wrap my mind around the ordeal... I compare it to a possible situation with my 2 year old Nicolas.
I imagine being at a lake. The lake looks like a big swimming pool and full of ducks and fish. Its also full of snakes and alligators and potential drowning. Nicloas, with his foolish fasinatination wants to go swimming, feed the ducks, and catch fish. Being his mom, and him being my son who I love sooo much,, i cant let him go. So,, I scoop him up, hold him tight, and he throws a temter tantrum and fights with all his might. But, you see I am much stronger than him , so I can hold him until he gets tired and gives up. When he gives up and say " okay mommy,,, I wont go in the water" I let him go. After a few minutes he heads to the water. This cycle would continue until one of two things happened:
1) he would just get tired and fall asleep
or...
2) he would eventually make it to that water and get hurt or scared badly enough that he would never do it again.
Either way he will come out of the situation exhausted!
Thats what I feel like.... Only God let me so close to the water that it scared me. I saw reflections of my past and a potential future that terrified my soul. But am so grateful to come out not eaten by an alligator or bit by a snake and so so grateful to be in HIS safe arms. There is no better place.
God's love is amazing.
Whenever I cant fully grasp something about God's powerful love for me...I try to look at my own love for my children and then multiply in by infinity. For example, when I struggle with forgiveness, I think about how easy I can forgive my children .
Well, I just went through a huge wrestling match with God....and came out completely exhausted mentally and physically..... and came out it gratefully wrapped in the safety of his arms.
Trying to wrap my mind around the ordeal... I compare it to a possible situation with my 2 year old Nicolas.
I imagine being at a lake. The lake looks like a big swimming pool and full of ducks and fish. Its also full of snakes and alligators and potential drowning. Nicloas, with his foolish fasinatination wants to go swimming, feed the ducks, and catch fish. Being his mom, and him being my son who I love sooo much,, i cant let him go. So,, I scoop him up, hold him tight, and he throws a temter tantrum and fights with all his might. But, you see I am much stronger than him , so I can hold him until he gets tired and gives up. When he gives up and say " okay mommy,,, I wont go in the water" I let him go. After a few minutes he heads to the water. This cycle would continue until one of two things happened:
1) he would just get tired and fall asleep
or...
2) he would eventually make it to that water and get hurt or scared badly enough that he would never do it again.
Either way he will come out of the situation exhausted!
Thats what I feel like.... Only God let me so close to the water that it scared me. I saw reflections of my past and a potential future that terrified my soul. But am so grateful to come out not eaten by an alligator or bit by a snake and so so grateful to be in HIS safe arms. There is no better place.
God's love is amazing.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
I choose you, God!
God said to me "I love you with a jealous zeal!". I said " then take it out, destroy this sin for me, because I can not". My God said "I'm just waiting for you, just CHOOSE ME".
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