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Just a Day

It was a usual evening. She was sitting on the couch watching TV. Her husband and a few guys were in the kitchen cooking crack, selling drugs, doing drugs, who knows. Her 4 year old daughter was in her room playing. Everything seemed calm for that moment, then there was a knock on the door.
Her husband looked out the peep hole, then opened the door letting two guys inside. She causualy glanced at who was entering the apartment and saw a familiar face. It was a childhood friend, someone she hasn't seen for years. Wanting to jump up and give him a great big smile and hug and catch up on old times, she quickly held in every emotion and responded with a nod and a quiet Hi. You see, her husband didnt react well in situations like this. He was extremely jealous of her, and watched her every move. Her husband quickly caught on to the fact that there was a familiarity between his aquaintance and his wife. She saw the look in his eyes. Her heart started racing, but she knew she had to remain calm. She tried to explain that they casually knew each other and that was all, but she knew her words were useless. She saw the look, she felt the tension, she knew what was coming next.
She never could understand why, but he was so jealous of her. She could not figure out how to control or avoid the situations that would trigger his rage. No matter how hard she tried, she could not turn his anger off once that something clicked inside him.
Everything began to look like slow motion. The friend was in the kitchen looking uneasy, puzzled about the tension in the air. Fear rushed through her body as her husband started slowly walking towards her. The next thing she knew she was knocked onto the floor. He started kicking her in the ribs, back, and everywhere. Nobody said or did anything to help her. After a few minutes of her getting beat , the friend did say " that's enough man". That just made it worse. She tried as always to hide her screams , because she doesn't want her daughter to hear or see. But eventually her daughter does come out of her room, to find her mom on the floor getting kicked and cursed at my her step dad. Her daughter jumps on top of her mom and begs him to stop. He does, but she knows its only temporary and that was just a sample of what was to come.
She is back on the couch, trying to avoid eye contact with the friend. Racing thoughts of panic and escape are going through her head. He wont make it easy though. She waits carefully for the right moment, and in a split second she grabs her daughter and flees out the door and down the two flights of stairs leading out of her apartment. Thank God there are a lot of people outside, he acts carefully in an unfamiliar crowd. She continued to run , out of the complex, down the road, to a near by shopping center.
She stopped running when she reached a payphone. She dialed 911, she knew the routine and didn't want to stay on the phone with them. So, she hung up, she knew they would come. The panic was already fading, and reality was setting in. She never has the strength to send him to jail. You see, she loves him, thats her husband, and she knows he loves her too. Nobody loves her as much as he does. He doesn't mean to do this, he just can't control it.
So there she is, sitting on the sidewalk in front of Winn Dixie. She is bruised and cut, wearing no shoes. Her daughter is beside her, in her pajamas, and no shoes. The police are on the way, but she starts thinking its better if she leaves before they get there. But leave where? She took nothing with her and she really has no where to go. Most friends that she had fear her husband so badly they wont help her. She has already ran to her family so many times only to go back to him, they are tired of her. Anyone else she can think of, she hides her situation from them, too embarresed to let them know.
Then she hears someone call her name. A childhood friend. He says, is that you? What happend? Come with me, you can at least be inside and figure this out.
She left with him , never found out if the police even came or not.
There she was in her friends apartment with her daughter. She confided in him. Told him what has been happening to her. She was in a save place for a moment. But she knew it was only a moment. He told her she was beautiful. He told her she didnt deserve that. He told her she was not safe. She knew these things, but she loved her husband. And, she believed that her husband love her as well. He would not be able to survive without her, this she believed. And she knew she could never love someone as much as she loves he. If she could go, where would she go anyway? She don't even have any shoes.
Hours passed, till morning. She knew it was time to go home. Her friend dropped her and her daughter back at Winn Dixie and she walked home. Terrified she walked home.
Her heart ached for her daughter. She didn't deserve this. She tried to make life happy for her and hide the ugly. But some things are just impossible.
Her husband was asleep when she arrived. So she laid on the couch with her daughter an they fell asleep too. But, eventually he woke up.
This was just a day. It was not the worse day. It was not the best day. It was just one day of her life, her life before she knew Jesus.

Mothers Day 2011

I love Mother's Day. For me, it's a day of reflection. I am so thankful God chose ME and entrusted ME to me the mother of these four children. As always, God made a perfect match. They are perfect for me and I am perfect for them.
I have Julia. She is now 19 . I have drug this poor girl through my life. The good , the bad and the ugly. At times, really ugly. But, we managed. God had his hand on us....buffered things. She turned out to be a beautiful young lady, responsible, hard working, college girl. Although, she has kept the prophecy of my grandmother who said she is me exactly and we are going to bump heads alot. And the wish of my mom who said " I hope she pays you back for everything you did to me as a teenager". Well, sorry mom, she is not quite as bad as I was (but close).
I have Darius. He is now 13. He has a heart for God since he was a small boy. He has growed up in our church. He is a young man of God and takes that role seriously. He spends his time reading, he on the youth leadership team at church, evangleizes kids at school, listens to christian music, volunteers in the community, and has big goals and dreams. What more could I ask for?
I have AJ. He is 8 now. He is my sidekick. He loves being with me and his whole family. He is the sweetest child I have ever seen. He has a giving spirit that amazes me. He has grown up in the church his whole life. He loves Jesus...and knows nothing else. Unlike His older sister, he is priveledged not to have been drug the the bad times...Aj has had quite a peaceful life so far.
And then .....there is Nicolas. Nicolas is 3 now. I'm not quite sure how he made it this far. I already had my hands full with 3 children...how I manage 4...I dont know. I think Nicolas came out, looked around at his surroundings , and's figured out he gonna have to be a survivor : ). I also, think hes a superhero. He's got super smarts and super strength and super size. I'm not sure if i know how to be the mom of a super hero? I'm sure there's some books out there...if not maybe I'll write one.

I do have wonderful children. I often get complimented on them. But, I can not take all the credit. I am a single mother...I am very limited to what I can physcially do in thier lives. When I had Nicolas (number 4) I claimed the promise from God that says he will be the father to the fatherless. I claimed that. I also pray for my children, I pray that God will cover all my shortcomings as a mother. So, sometimes saying I'm a single mother of four just ain't the whole truth. My children have the best father imaginable!

..

Broken is Beautiful

Laying in bed this morning, contemplating whether or not I was going to get up. I started thinking about being "Broken". I cant think of anything more beautiful right now than how beautiful it is to be broken by God.
When I started my christian walk, I had no idea whatsoever what it meant to broken. Not at all. Along the way, I read lots of books & blogs , did lots of bible studies, heard some testimonies. I started to grasp the concept a little, I got the basic idea of it. I think I was scared of it at first. I didnt want to be broken. I thought, I dont really have time. You see, I have four kids and I cant really afford to miss an unscheduled day of work. It seems if I got broken I would be out a few days. Acually I cant even afford to be broken at home, I cant imagine my house doing well with be be broken more than an hour or so. Thinking maybe I could just be broken in a tougher way so I dont have to really miss a beat? I dont know. Broken just didnt sound like something I needed or really had time for much.
Then I got broken....over and over and over and over!
....and WOW!
Im not quite sure exactly what God breaks in us. I imagine that there are about a million glass layers around my heart. Each one a different color and each one representing a different thing. Each one being broken one by one. And not in any specific order either. He might break 10 layers of glass under that top super strong thick layer.....and when that one goes thats a BIG BREAK!
Before never wanting to be broken,,,,now praying i will never ever come close to running out of layers to be broken. Because when God breaks something in us,,,,he doesnt just leave it broken and empty. He replaces it with something righteous and good. I imagine him turning those ugly glass layers around my heart into .... into... i have no idea really ....just something really beautiful and soft.
One of my favorite things is to see another woman broken. You can see it in her humility, you can see her awe for God beaming through her eyes, and you can feel the joy in her heart. You can feel because you've been there. You know she is feeling Gods passionate zealous love for her. She looks sooo beautiful because you know how beautiful she feels.

Wrestling with Holy Spirit is exhausting!

Wrestling with the Holy Spirit is exhausting. I know,,, i just finished a few rounds.
Whenever I cant fully grasp something about God's powerful love for me...I try to look at my own love for my children and then multiply in by infinity. For example, when I struggle with forgiveness, I think about how easy I can forgive my children .
Well, I just went through a huge wrestling match with God....and came out completely exhausted mentally and physically..... and came out it gratefully wrapped in the safety of his arms.
Trying to wrap my mind around the ordeal... I compare it to a possible situation with my 2 year old Nicolas.
I imagine being at a lake. The lake looks like a big swimming pool and full of ducks and fish. Its also full of snakes and alligators and potential drowning. Nicloas, with his foolish fasinatination wants to go swimming, feed the ducks, and catch fish. Being his mom, and him being my son who I love sooo much,, i cant let him go. So,, I scoop him up, hold him tight, and he throws a temter tantrum and fights with all his might. But, you see I am much stronger than him , so I can hold him until he gets tired and gives up. When he gives up and say " okay mommy,,, I wont go in the water" I let him go. After a few minutes he heads to the water. This cycle would continue until one of two things happened:

1) he would just get tired and fall asleep
or...
2) he would eventually make it to that water and get hurt or scared badly enough that he would never do it again.

Either way he will come out of the situation exhausted!

Thats what I feel like.... Only God let me so close to the water that it scared me. I saw reflections of my past and a potential future that terrified my soul. But am so grateful to come out not eaten by an alligator or bit by a snake and so so grateful to be in HIS safe arms. There is no better place.

God's love is amazing.

I choose you, God!

God said to me "I love you with a jealous zeal!". I said " then take it out, destroy this sin for me, because I can not". My God said "I'm just waiting for you, just CHOOSE ME".

Starting With......

I'm starting my Spiritual & Physical comeback with a date with my one and only........Jesus!

I will be glad and rejoice in you, I will sing praise to your name, O most High. Psalm 9:2